Appearances Can Be Deceiving
by Frisco
Summary: Rodney reflects on what he knows about Sheppard's past.  Tag to Phantoms.  Italicized quote from Rising.


_McKay stared into the emotionless eyes of Sheppard as the soldier calmly raised his P-90 and fired. Teyla screamed and shoved the man hard enough to change the trajectory from Rodney's heart to his side. He felt the bullet pierce his skin and break a rib before blowing a hole in his back. The impact threw him to the ground, his life blood spilling onto alien soil. He was dying._

Rodney jerked awake, gasping for air, his eyes darting nervously about the strange terrain. He sagged in relief as memory returned, and he realized they were still on the planet, forced to wait on the Daedalus to arrive due to Major Leonard flipping out and destroying the stargate's power source which prevented even a jumper from dialing out.

He could hear Ronon snoring somewhere behind him, and, turning his head, he saw Beckett fussing over Teyla. Kagan appeared to be sleeping, and Sheppard was no where to be found. To be honest, Rodney was a tiny bit relieved. He had seen Soldier Sheppard a couple of times in the past, and it had scared the crap out of him then. But having that cold gaze turned on him was a sight he never wanted to see again.

He had teased the colonel about the shooting because he didn't know what else to do. Sarcasm and indignation were the physicist's only two reliable responses, and seeing the haunted look on Sheppard's face had rattled McKay more than he'd like to admit. The snide accusation seemed to work; some of the tension had drained from the pilot as he had apologized. Again.

The snap of a twig to his right caught McKay's attention. He slowly swiveled his head toward the sound and watched as Sheppard patrolled the perimeter. Rodney's eyes followed his team leader as the man finished and sat on a nearby log. His shoulders were slumped, and stress etched lines in his face. McKay wasn't used to seeing defeat emanate from John Sheppard; the guy was irritatingly optimistic.

Sheppard must have felt his gaze because he raised his eyes to meet Rodney's stare. McKay froze, unsure of what to do or say. He was bad with people and knew anything he said would come out wrong. He lost the opportunity when medics appeared between them in a blinding flash of light.

OoOoOoOoO

"I still can't believe you shot me." The words were out of his mouth before he realized it.

Sheppard wore the look of the long-suffering. "How many times do I have to say 'I'm sorry' Rodney? I'm really, really, really sorry. I'll try not to ever shoot you again."

Carson, John, and Ronon stood between the beds occupied by Teyla and Rodney in Atlantis' infirmary. McKay had slept for the entire trip back on the Daedalus and had awakened a few minutes ago as Elizabeth bid the group goodnight. His abdominal stitches were beginning to itch, and he couldn't get comfortable which led to him running off at the mouth. Teyla's leg had been bandaged and immobilized, and Ronon's arm was in a sling while Beckett's and Sheppard's eyes spoke of their wounds. Kagan was already asleep in the bed on the other side of Rodney. Dr. Caitlyn Donnelly, the night shift attending, emerged from the supply room.

"I thought I had already sent you three on your merry way. Now, shoo. You need your rest, and yes, Carson, that includes you. Out, all of you, before I find the really big needles."

"Alright, Caitlyn, we're going. I've had enough needles for today. Goodnight, Teyla, Rodney."

"Goodnight, Dr. Beckett," wished Teyla.

"Carson," McKay mumbled. He was mentally kicking himself for bringing up the shooting again. Sheppard's flinch had been almost imperceptible, but Rodney had not missed it.

John and Ronon waved their farewells as they exited with Carson. Donnelly turned to her two patients. "Time for sleep for you as well." She walked back to the office area, dimming the lights as she went.

"Um, Teyla?"

"Yes, Dr. McKay?"

"If I haven't said it, ah, thanks for saving my life. If you hadn't hit Sheppard's arm, well, he doesn't miss."

"You are welcome, Rodney."

"It's like he didn't even know me."

"I do not believe he could recognize you. He seemed to be reliving a memory. He called me Holland the entire time."

"Holland?" Rodney couldn't keep the shock from his voice.

"Did you know Captain Holland?" Surprise and dismay colored Teyla's voice.

_Crap. How was he going to get out of this without admitting what he'd done?_ "Um, no. I never met anyone named Holland."

Teyla scrutinized him. "I see. You have heard of him then."

"Did you say 'Captain'? I don't think the Holland I'm thinking of was in the military," he lied.

"Oh." She sounded relieved. "Well, goodnight, Dr. McKay."

"Goodnight, Teyla."

He heard the Athosian woman settle into her bed and begin to breathe evenly as sleep overtook her. _Holland_. No wonder Sheppard looked haunted. Rodney laid his head on his pillow and thought back to the day he met the Air Force pilot.

OoOoOoOoO

'_Did I do that?'_

McKay couldn't believe it. Some random guy, with O'Neill-given security clearance, walks in, sits down and does in minutes what he and his team have been trying to do for weeks. He trapped the major in the chair and had him do every trick he could think of. And Rodney could think of a lot. With apparently no effort, the man made everything he was asked to do happen. After a couple of hours, General O'Neill claimed him, and McKay was left with just Beckett.

During senior staff meeting the next morning, Weir asked Chuck to have the major's Air Force file sent. Rodney had to run to catch Weir before she disappeared to her next meeting.

"Elizabeth? Are you considering taking this guy with us if we find a way to Atlantis?"

"Yes, I am."

"That's crazy! We don't know the first thing about him other than he's flying helicopters in Antarctica. I've been around the SGC and the military long enough to know that they only send you to the ends of the Earth when you really piss them off. Believe me, I've been there."

"That's why I asked for his file, Rodney. I haven't made a decision. But you saw how easily he operated the chair. He could be invaluable to the expedition."

"Oh please. Some reject pilot? I hardly think this expedition is going to live or die based on his abilities."

Weir rubbed her forehead. "I just want to read his file, Rodney. That's all. Besides, being assigned to 'the ends of the Earth' as you say is no reason to dismiss him. You're here, aren't you?"

"But I'm not a pilot from a military in the midst of a war. He must be a real screw-up for them to assign him down here especially if he flies as well as O'Neill says," McKay protested.

Elizabeth looked at him tiredly. "It's just a file, Rodney. Let it go."

Rodney had been insanely busy the next few days and had somehow missed when the pilot's file arrived. He overheard Elizabeth ask Sheppard to join the expedition. McKay had been amazed at the man's indifference. He simply told Weir he'd think about it and left. She must have seen something in him because she chased O'Neill down to ask him to convince Sheppard.

The physicist had a ravenous curiosity. He also had the ability to manipulate every computer system he'd ever used in ways the designers had never even considered. He had to know what was in the pilot's file that had Weir so convinced. Since Rodney had written most of the computer safeguards, he quickly entered through the backdoor he'd created and found the file.

Sheppard, John A., Major. United States Air Force. Father, Sheppard, Andrew P., Colonel, Retired, USMC. Mother, Sheppard, Mona E., deceased. No siblings. Standard background checks. Moved schools constantly. Average grades. Bachelor's degree from UCLA in Aerospace Engineering.

McKay raised an eyebrow at that. Maybe the man was more than the military grunt he'd assumed.

Officers Candidate school. Flight School. Married, Phillips, Emma L. Stationed around the United States and overseas. Special Ops. Air Medal. Insubordination. Bronze Star for Valor. Purple Heart. Promoted to Captain. Divorced. More Special Ops. Insubordination. Persian Gulf. Insubordination. Silver Star. Promoted to Major. Insubordination. Distinguished Flying Cross. Insubordination. Another Purple Heart. Afghanistan. Antarctica.

_What?_ Three years were missing. The guy already had as many insubordination marks as he did commendations, confirming McKay's suspicions. So what had happened in Afghanistan?

Rodney was not easily deterred. Whatever had happened had been deleted from this file. Weir must be trying to challenge the genius; she had to know he'd look. But he'd been hacking systems tougher this even before he built that nuclear bomb in sixth grade. He retraced the original file download only to find it also deleted. Like that was going to stop him. He accessed the server that mirrored the main server. Missing there too. He found his personal back-up of the mirrored server and searched it. He smiled as he restored the file to his laptop. Scrolling down through the parts he'd already read, he found the missing pieces.

Afghanistan. Another Purple Heart. Insubordination. Conduct Unbecoming.

"Oh, God."

Sheppard had disobeyed a direct order to try to rescue a Captain Holland and flight crew who had been shot down behind enemy lines. After his own chopper was shot down, the major had found Holland alive but injured and carried the man miles across the desert. Holland's injuries were life-threatening, and he hadn't survived the journey. Sheppard had carried the man's lifeless body the last ten miles.

Sheppard's CO had added a memo detailing the rescue attempt and noting that Holland would have certainly been captured before an extraction team could reach him and would have died in enemy hands, potentially giving up crucial information to the Taliban. McKay wondered if the major knew about that memo. It was what saved the man from a dishonorable discharge and Leavenworth. Major Sheppard had requested the transfer to Antarctica.

McKay pushed back from the desk and stared off in the distance. What kind of man would risk his life and career like that? Rodney wouldn't. And then to continue to risk your life carrying a dead man. The physicist tried to wrap his mind around that. Who was this guy? A wild card one minute and a martyr the next. Fiercely loyal yet insubordinate. A hero flying choppers in the dullest corner of Earth.

Maybe this expedition did need him. Right now all they had was Sumner and his bunch of jar-heads. Not a lick of imagination in the bunch. While McKay didn't do unpredictable, the complete unknown of the Pegasus Galaxy disturbed him. Maybe they needed a brave maverick.

Rodney pondered Sheppard's expression, or lack thereof, when Weir had asked him to come. The man's face had barely even twitched. McKay wondered how much damage the Afghanistan tour had done to the pilot. Had he lost the will to fight? McKay hoped Sheppard found it before they left, if he even agreed to come.

The scientist made a solemn vow that day to never mention what he'd learned to anyone, not even Elizabeth or Carson. If Major Sheppard wanted people to know about his past, then he could tell them. McKay understood keeping things private; there was plenty in his own past that he didn't want exposed. Rodney deleted the file, erased his tracks, and went back to work.

OoOoOoOoO

He had kept that vow. He'd hated lying to Teyla, but he didn't want anyone to know that he knew about Holland. As he stared at the ceiling, he made another solemn vow. He would never say another word to Sheppard about the events on M1B-129. Going through that twice in a lifetime was more than enough.

McKay was almost asleep when he heard the distinctive sound of a chair scraping the floor. He opened one eye to find his team leader frozen in the space between him and Teyla.

"Colonel?"

Hazel eyes whipped his direction, and the scientist could see the guilt written in them before the pilot's normal mask dropped into place.

"Aren't you supposed to be asleep, McKay?"

"I could ask you the same question. You know what's going to happen if Carson or Donnelly catch you in here."

"Yeah, big pointy needles. I'll take my chances," John drawled.

"OK. It's your ass they're going to be sticking them in, so…."

"You're all heart." Sheppard shifted uncomfortably before continuing. "Um, listen, I really am sorry, Rodney. I didn't know what I was doing. If Teyla hadn't-"

"Stop. Just stop it. None of us knew what we were doing except Teyla. We'd all be dead without her. Move on, already."

The pilot regarded him for a second. McKay put on his most sincere expression and was finally rewarded with a small smile that almost reached Sheppard's eyes.

"Moving on."

"Hey, genius sleeping here. Can I get a little quiet please?"

He heard a soft chuckle as John eased into his chair and picked up his PDA. Sheppard might be exhausted by the events and strain of the day, but he would watch over his injured team members.

Rodney wriggled a little further down in the bed and closed his eyes, deciding once again he was very glad the military man had agreed to be a part of the expedition. Not that he would ever actually admit that. But no one else would put up with his crap or trade insults with him or let him be on an off-world team.

McKay had never imagined how radically his own life would change when a certain Air Force pilot sat down in a control chair in an Ancient outpost, but he wouldn't have it any other way. As sleep caught him, he wondered which one of them had changed the most in the past two and a half years, and if anyone that knew them then would recognize them now.

Then again, maybe it wasn't so much a change as a discovery of what truly lay underneath.

The End.


End file.
